Wilson from the Hood
by Major Xero
Summary: What would the Metal Gear universe be like if Mei Ling never existed? If she was instead a brother from the hood named Wilson? Well in this story, you'll find out. Rated T for teenagers for crude language and odd themes.
1. The Wilson Chronicles, Part 1

Wilson: Snake, you better fuckin' remember what De Gaulle said: "The graveyards are full of indispensable men." That means a whole bunch'a playa hatas gettin' up in yo grill, you better fuckin' run! You ain't all that, Snake!

Snake: Uh...right.

Snake: Wilson, how'd you get into this line of work?

Wilson: Well, between you and me...I wanted to be a fighter pilot, blowin' shit out of the sky and killin' folk. Ice cold, baby! Ice cold!

Snake: Uhh...

Wilson: But somehow I ended up doing Battle Damage Assessments! BDAs for fuck's sake! Said I was "too crazy." Shit, a fuckin' nigga need to be crazy when he got Vulcan cannons and cruise missiles, bitch!

Snake: Uh, yeah, I suppose...

Wilson: Another thing was my sight. I couldn't fuckin' see well so they threw me to the curb! Shit, a nigga don't need to see when he got VULCAN CANNONS AND CRUISE MISSILES! Bitch!

Snake: I'm uh...gonna get back to the mission now.

Wilson: Snake, in China they say "Rashness brings success to few, misfortune to many." That means if the coast is clear, no bitchin' ass soldiers in your way, take your happy ass forward. But when people 'round; run, bitch! It don't mean a fuckin' thing if you a legendary mercenary! You got respect, they got guns. In China they say it 'cause it's the strong swimmer who most often drowns, 'cause he thinks he all that, 'til the river fuckin' DROWNS HIS ASS! BITCH!

Wilson: Snake, what the fuck is the deal? You gonna leave that white girl behind?

Snake: The sniper's using her as bait...it's me they want. Meryl understands that.

Wilson: Man, it don't fuckin' matter! '"Ooh, I'm Solid Snake, I can't take a few sniper rifle rounds."

Snake: Wilson, I would die!

Wilson: "Ooh, I'm Solid Snake, I'm afraid of death."

Snake: ...Wilson...I have to live to complete this mission.

Wilson: Man, what-the-fuck-ever.

Wilson: Snake, what are you doin' in an air duct?

Snake: ...Infiltrating. You know, my job for this mission.

Wilson: Don't get all smart with me, bitch.

Snake: The Soliton Radar isn't working right now.

Wilson: I know, I told you not to go in there 'cause the radar ain't gonna work!

Snake: It's alright though; even the greatest masterpiece has its flaws.

Wilson: Man, I'm supposed ta be quotin' fa YO ass, not the other way around, bitch!

Snake: Uhh...getting back to the mission...

Wilson: Snake, you better fuckin' save your game or you gonna regret it. Man, my street instincts goin' all off right now.

Snake: Why?

Wilson: I dunno. Anyway, you gonna save, bitch?

Wilson: Snake, the Chinese say "A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar." Or like my man Einstein said, "Only a life lived for others is worth living." That's why I went to MIT instead of some preppy fancy-ass bullshit school like Princeton or Vassar where all my bitch-ass friends were goin'. I wanted to make shit that would benefit humanity, dig? Like the Soliton Radar or the codec. Man, if you were a chick you'd be suckin' my dick RIGHT NOW.

Snake: Ugh...

Wilson: I guess I can relate to what Dr. Emmerich been goin' through. Some playa hatas makin' some bitch-ass nuclear weapon usin' my man Emmerich.

Wilson: Man, you smokin' bitch? Man, cigarettes are poison...they ice cold killas, bitch! "He that cuts off twenty years of life cuts off so many years of fearing death." Man, you fuckin' pussy. Can't handle life? Well that's fuckin' SO SAD.

Wilson: Man, what the fuck's the deal? There ain't no Memory Card, bitch! Put one in Memory Card Slot 1 or Memory Card Slot 2, dumbass!

Wilson: Man, what kinda shit you got on your Memory Card? It fills up the entire fuckin' card, man! Format your shit before saving, alright?

Wilson: Man, I couldn't save your shit 'cause somethin' fucked up.

Wilson: Man, in China they have a saying, "If there are more wolves, the people are eaten; If there are more people, the wolves are eaten." It means to hide, bitch, 'cause if they see you, you dead! Another way to put it would be to say that if there are eighteen people 'round, you can't kill 'em all with a fifteen round clip, bitch! Unless they behind each other, but that probably ain't the case, bitch!

Wilsom: So you got your ass locked up, huh.

Snake: You all must think I'm garbage...

Wilson: Hey, now...I know I've been pretty light-hearted this whole mission, but don't blame yourself.

Snake: I just let them kill Meryl to save my own worthless hide!

Wilson: Well, uh...in China they have a saying...fuck that, I'll use my own words this time. Snake, cheer up. Don't listen to that old-ass white-haired revolver-twirlin' bitch. He's bluffin'.

Snake: I don't think he's the bluffing type...

Wilson: Snake, you gotta pull yourself together for the world, man. Beat those bitchin' ass terrorists and let them know that bitch best recognize.

Wilson: "O, he's a limb, that has but a disease; mortal, to cut it off; to cure it easy." That means if you got a cold, take some medicine dumbass!

Wilson: Man, if I could, I'd be sendin' you RPG-7s and assault rifles instead of lousy-ass data through the codec.

Snake: That'd be nice. I'm starting to feel like a thief already...ransacking rooms, rifling through fallen enemies' pockets...

Wilson: You ain't got no choice though, right?

Snake: Maybe so, but I think I'm starting to develop kleptomania. I just keep putting things in my pocket.

Wilson: Man, you're right. I'd spend everything I had on a therapist if I were you.

Snake: ...Uhh...

Wilson: Catch you later, psycho.

Wilson: Snake, in China they say "When walking through a melon patch, don't adjust your sandals." What it means: don't be thinking 'bout the casserole in the oven when you're blowing some dude's brains out, alright? Keeps shit in the proper perspective!

Wilson: What, bitch/What is it/Hey, man. Saving/Wanna save/Ready to save/You saving? You pussy.

If snake keeps calling Wilson and not saving...

Wilson: Snake, stop callin' me, bitch! You get kicks out of calling me for no reason/Man, fuck you./FUCK. No, no, stay with me now. FUCK. YOU.

Wilson: In China they say "-It's better to live ugly than to die beautiful." It's true, Snake. 'Cause when you gettin' slam-fucked by worms in your grave, you never gonna be happy again! That's why people who wanna die before their time are dumb shits.

Wilson: "The tongues of dying men enforce attention, like deep harmony." It means that if somebody dyin', they gonna be tellin' the truth, not lyin' like an asshole. I think dude was right. People don't lie when they speak with their dying breaths.

Wilson: Snake, some serious shit goin' down over here. The Colonel's been locked up so this might be your last save.

Snake: I'm uh, going to miss those proverbs of yours. But Wilson, I have a favor to ask. Make a hard copy of all the Codec conversation data up to this point. I want some insurance.

Wilson: Alright dawg, leave it to me.

When they first meet...

Wilson: Shit, a nigga must be crazy to fly a Hind in this kind'a weather.

Snake: Who's that.

Campbell: Oh, sorry. I haven't introduced you two yet. This is Wilson Rodriguez. He was assigned to us as our visual and data processing specialist. He designed your Codec as well as your Soliton Radar system. Contact him you have any questions about either of them.

Wilson: 'Sup, Snake? It's an honor to speak to a living legend such as yourself. ...What's wrong?

Snake: Nothing. I just didn't expect you to be so...

Wilson: So what, Snake? So black? So negro? Well fuck you, motherfucker! But at least you're very frank for a trained ice cold killa. I'm looking forward to seein' that you ain't all that like they say you are in the legend.

Snake: Uhh...right.


	2. The Wilson Chronicles, Part 2

Wilson: ...But first, let me explain your Soliton radar system, that I created. Snake, the radar is better than gettin' interfered with by the weather, but if you're discovered by an enemy, not only are you a dumbass, but you can't use the radar 'cause the enemies pick up on the signal. But you an infiltration expert, right? So that shit ain't supposed to happen.

Colonel: Yes, it gets jammed easily I'm afraid.

Wilson: Man, fuck you Campbell. This is my shit, dig? MY SHIT! Made from currently existing technology, though, so...it won't work with a bunch'a strong harmonic resonance.

Colonel: ...We'll be monitoring your movements by radar, so contact us by codec any time you want.

Snake: Got it. I'll call if I'm feeling lonely.

Naomi: Seriously Snake. We're here to back you up so call if you need some information or advice.

Wilson: I'm also in charge of the mission data, so if you're a pussy and gettin' tired call me so you can go lay down like a bitch. The frequency's 140.96. It's THE dedicated frequency for saving data, so if you forget it you're fucked.

Master: Sorry for eavesdropping, but I just couldn't listen anymore.

Snake: Master...

Master: Snake, you can have regrets if you want to...it's only natural. But you can't keep attacking yourself for things that happened in the past. That road leads to madness, believe me.

Wilson: Ya know, white boy has a point Snake. Don't kick yourself like a dumbass. And I thought you were a legendary mercenary. Sell-out.

Snake: Wilson...

Snake: Wilson, what are your origins?

Wilson: You mean where I was born? Well, my dad was an asshole negro who walked 'round the world like he was its fucking creator. Then he got together with some slut and they ran off to China. And while I was born there, I was raised in the good 'ol USA. I liked to learn 'bout my birthplace and their way of life. They're really interesting, ya know?

Snake: So that's how you know all those great quotes.

Wilson: No, Snake, I actually just walked around like a dumbass and all the knowledge of the entire fucking Chinese customs just came to me.

Snake: Uhh...

Wilson: Snake, Shakespeare said "Nought's had, all's spent, where our desire is got without content." That means just 'cause there's a shiny box of ammo across the room and there's an enemy sentry in front of it doesn't mean you have to go running over and getting it like a retard on crack. It doesn't make sense to get everything, and sometiems it's not even worth it. Keep focused on the mission.

Wilson: So what's up, Snake? You gotten used to the radar yet?

Snake: Yeah. It's a great system. Not only can I read the topography, but I can monitor the movement of the bad guys too.

Wilson: Pretty convenient, eh? But it's a double-edged sword, Snake. We can see everything you're doing. So if you try jackin' off in a locker during the mission, we'll know.

Snake: Uhh...you're watching everything?

Wilson: Yeah. If I used this shit on my girl she'd never be able to get some strange dick on the side.

Snake: Being monitored 24 hours a day...that would be like hell.

Wilson: Well true, but at least you'd never get lost.

Wilson: "The cautious seldom err." Confucius said that. And if Confucius said it, it's true. That means if you're always be careful and look around, you won't fuck up big time. I know you're probably already used to the mission now but don't lose your concentration.

Wilson: Snake, you ever hear people say "Friendly counsel cuts off many foes?" It means a just a 'lil bit of dvice can save you from an assrapin' of trouble. So contac the Colonel or somebody else when you need some advice.

Wilson: Snake, lemme ask you somethin'. What does it feel like to fight? I mean, I've been in some scrapes before but nothing bad.

Snake: Why do you ask?

Wilson: Well, I dig some fighting games.

Snake: Games?

Wilson: Yeah, fighting games. I've seen so much death, but...it's always on a monitor, or in burst transmission.

Snake: This is no game! There are no startovers if you make a mistake. Killing's not fun. It's not pretty either, like it looks in those video games.

Wilson: Shit shit, chill dawg. Cool, I got it, war's not a video game.

Snake: Listen, Wilson, after this operation is over, I want you to go back to being a normal student.

Wilson: Man, fuck that! I ain't goin' nowhere, bitch!

Snake: ...Alright, I guess. But that's just my advice to you.

Wilson: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still aflying, and this same flower, that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying." It means Snake, that laughter is the best medicine. You should be thankful you've got enough free time to be playin' a game. Have fun, yo?

Wilson: "Solitude sometimes is best society, and short retirement urges sweet return." Milton wrote that in Paradise Lost. Got tired of gettin' cold and snowed in everyday, huh? That why you came runnin' back to the soldierly life, Snake?

Wilson: "The proud man does not eat rotting meat even when hungry, nor steal water from another's well when he thirsts." Oh wait, I forgot. You had to be a fuckin' thief for everything you have, so I guess that ain't appropriate.

Wilson: In China it's said that "Once the fox gets his nose in, he'll soon find a way to make his body follow." That's an avid description of you, Snake. Be sure to fit in to every situation you encounter.

Wilson: "He who is firm in will molds the world to himself." Don't forget what's up, Snake. You gotta pounce on anything that presents itself, all right? Same thing I do with chicks.

Wilson: In China they say "The snake, knowing itself, strikes swiftly." That means if you know you can bust a cap into everybody in the room without moving a step, do it bitch! You shouldn't have any hesitation if you're a well-known, respected mercenary. But I guess the mission isn't in your true nature. But be sure to have confidence all the time, all right Snake?

Wilson: "Win any way you can. Nice guys finish last." That asshole Leo Durocher said it. But...I guess gettin' slam-fucked by some playa hata is better than gettin' slam-fucked by worms. Is there anything you wouldn't do to keep your ass breathing? Think about it Snake.

Wilson: Never give up, Snake. Remember the play Macbeth, act V, scene III. "I'll fight, till from my bones my flesh be hack'd, give me my armor." Everybody's countin' on you, Snake. You gotta do it and fuck those terrorists up.

Wilson: "War he sung, is toil and trouble; honor but an empty bubble." How 'bout it, Snake? Your honor just an empty bubble?

Wilson: "Come, what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day." We're almost out of time, bitch! Take out those bitches and destroy their capability of launching that nuke!

Wilson: Snake, you better fuckin' get your ass movin' and savin' the DARPA chief. If you're a lazymotherfucker and can't see the green dot, that's him. Now get to work and save his ass!

Wilson: So Snake, you like bein' in ladies' bathrooms? Fetish?

Snake: No...I saw Meryl come in here.

Wilson: So you're raiding a woman's sanctuary to find her?

Snake: Wilson, this is the only place I can talk to her alone.

Wilson: Yeah, I'm sure that was the reason you went in there.

Snake: Wilson, how can someone outside of this operation cut into my Codec?

Wilson: You're talking about that '70s porno motherfucker Deepthroat? Yeah, we heard what ya'll were talking about.

Snake: What about it?

Wilson: Well if someone knows your frequency, they can obviously call you. The only question here is how did he learn it? It's top-secret shit we're talkin' about here...

Snake: Can you tell where he called from?

Wilson: The signal was too weak to locate its source, but he's probably near you...somewhere in the base.

Wilson: Ya know Snake, it was good that you hooked up with that white girl...Man, you should've seen the look on the Colonel's face. It looked like he was strung out on happy pills. But he doesn't like to let it show 'cause he thinks he all that, but he could obviously barely contain himself.

Snake: I'm uh, glad to hear that.

Snake: Wilson, how's Naomi?

Wilson: What? Uh, nice I guess. Why do you want to know?

Snake: Oh...

Wilson: Snake, what the fuck do you want? If you wanna talk to Naomi, call her, not me dumbass! Fuckin' idiot.

Snake: ...Noami wasn't acting strangely or anything?

Wilson: Not really...can't believe Naomi was an enemy spy though. I just can't fucking believe it.

Snake: I don't want to believe it either, but...

Wilson: Yeah Snake. I get the picture.

Wilson: Snake, Naomi's being cuffed up.

Snake: What the hell is happening over there? What's the Colonel thinking?

Wilson: Well, the Colonel...never mind. Can't fill you in on anything else. But don't fret, I'm still here for ya. 'Til the end of this thing...

Snake: Wilson, I don;'t think I can go through all that again. Please save the mission.

Wilson: A pussy, eh?

Wilson: Snake, I'm gettin' kinda worried for my home dawg. You all right?

Snake: I've been through a lot worse. Believe me.

Wilson: I guess you are better than what I thought. It's a good thing that the codec is directly connected to your inner ear so you can call us up anytime. Always good to hear you're still blazin'.


End file.
